“Nice” is not Enough

But it’s a foundational prerequisite. It is! Let’s call it “kind” instead of “nice”, because it sounds more mature and less of an insult I would use to describe a tinder date you immediately block and ghost after seeing in person for the first time.

Based on the experiences I’ve made with not only other people (who are incredibly easy to criticise), but also myself (who does everything right all the time of course), it’s just not enough.

Let me explain why I’m thinking of this all of a sudden:

Every time I spend time with people, it doesn’t take long until I am absolutely drained and I need to physically and mentally recover. I feel like I really need to hammer down what I mean by this. I mean I spend time with a group of people and within a couple of minutes I check the clock. Could be the nicest (here we have that word again) people in the world. Give me a minute and all I can think about is the sweet relief of death.

But not with everyone. Nope. Not with everyone. There are instances where I can just sit and talk and engage forever and I leave that conversation not only with full batteries, but with some extra to spare.

So…what makes the difference?

Here is what I have identified (and if you disagree you can tell me in the comment section that doesn’t exist oops too bad :))

• You’re kindhearted and approachable

• You can hold a conversation without me actively engaging all the time.

• You ask questions and automatically share experiences of your own life. It’s a constant flow of information.

• You crack a joke and don’t take yourself too seriously.

• You have an interesting life and share stories.
  Clarification: I have met people who go skydiving on a regular basis and can’t tell a story if their life depended on it. They somehow make skydiving feel boring…and I mean how much of a downer can you be really? Then I have met moms on parental leave that tell a story about going shopping with their newborn like we should immediately call Hollywood. She sells it like it’s starring Brad Pitt. Ya know? Gimme more of that mom!

• You are able to talk about controversial topics without making it awkward.

The Cherry on Top:

• You’re some kind of successful entrepreneur

• You’re rich

• You’re in a niche job

• You’re clinically insane

• You work for the Pentagon/FBI/CIA/Mafia (any of them)

• You’ve been homeless

• You’ve traveled the world

• You’ve been homeless while traveling the world

• You used to work for the Pentagon/FBI/CIA/Mafia and are now being chased by them and are a political outcast

• You have a farm somewhere in Siberia where you hunt and kill people for sport.

Most people I talk to on a regular basis don’t even check the basics. Most of them. Most talk about the same shit for years! YEARS! Zero personal development, zero introspective. They drop conversations and fall into silence, waiting for you to pick up the ball. They expect you to make an effort over and over and over again to keep the engagement at a certain pulse and THAT’S what’s draining your battery. THAT’S what’s making you need to retreat and disengage.

And I’m not talking about strangers here. I’m talking about colleagues, friends, family. People you’re close to, people you’ve known for years. It’s tragic, it’s enraging. And you know what’s even worse? It’s keeping you from having really meaningful interactions with interesting people. Because the drainpain becomes the standard. Those are the people you meet the most, you meet on a regular basis. Your life, all of a sudden, is full of energy and soul sucking individuals that you even happen to like a lot. It’s a nightmare!

What’s unfortunate about all of this and you can add on top (like a cherry but in that case made of human faeces):

None of this is considered rude or tabu. That’s just how (some) people are. Nobody cares to make themselves more interesting. Sometimes, when I’m angry, I blame it on people feeling an entitlement towards you. Towards your company or any company for that matter. Entitlement towards personal engagement. They feel like they can just add themselves into a situation and don’t have to contribute actively at all. They’re there and now they want to be served.

Nobody does this consciously I believe. I really do. I think that’s just something we totally neglect when teaching people how to people. Which is a shame, because peopleing is extremely difficult and requires a lot of practice and self reflection.

So what to do? Because what I don’t like is raising and issue and then not proposing a personal solution. I don’t think you’re gonna like it though. I know thinking about it makes me cringe. But I feel like it’s necessary:

Silence.

Just silence.

Next time I’m in a conversation that makes me want to actively shit my pants to have an excuse to leave, I will just stay quiet. Not pick up the ball, not feed topics, not ping when there is no pong. Not in an aggressive or mean way. That really doesn’t do anything. Just, contempt silence.

Becoming comfortable with silence when in company is something I have never managed to do. That’s probably why I need so much of it afterwards.

Alright, I think this article is becoming long enough.

Have a good one, bye :)